Awake

So this is what falling apart feels like.

My seams are ripped anew

but there’s no blood left to run from these wounds I’m…done.

 

I’m empty.

I hid it and kept the stitches so tight but tonight

my long white grip on control is failing like I do

and I miss you.

 

There.

 

Words I can’t bear to have my heart think but

she’s screaming at me now so I remind myself

to hate you.

 

I look at the frayed threads

The hollow limbs

The shell that’s put away its soul because she hurts too much

And the thought of being proven right isn’t enough to give me quiet.

 

I have to hate you

Or I’ll really begin to feel nothing

And she’ll die when she doesn’t deserve to.

 

Don’t mistake it for blue flamed rage because it isn’t.

I hate with what little is left – there aren’t enough embers to detest

The hatter that shouldn’t have covet

Or the wolf that came as a rabbit promising adventure if I’d only follow:

“Quick little Alice”, quick to the gallows

 

I wish I had lost my head…instead of all the rest.

I wish I, and my tired soul, could forget.

Wonderland

Fingers dance with shadows on the ceiling and

faint light filtering through the gaps between them take away the night’s sharper edges

and I fill the quiet with lilting piano that begins to lull…

 

But anxiety coils in my chest,

a troublingly comforting weight pressing into my lungs

tugging at the droplets forming at the corner of my eyes without real reason

wrapping itself around me in a reminder of just who I am though  I had briefly forgotten.

 

The outstretched hand above me feels a separate entity, chasing shadows still, playing while I watch, while I think too much:

About wonderland and Cheshire cats and madmen with hats just like mine,

About Guillotines and dead priests and  metal that binds.

 

And I want to tell you all my secrets,

here in almost-darkness where we’ve hidden ourselves from the world-

here where my other hand lays between us with fingers intertwined with yours-

here where you have invaded my chest and taken hold-

 

 

Here where like a moth to a flame, like Icarus to the sun, I am drawn to you and I want nothing more than to be devoured,

 

But I’ve lost all my words.

 

Lost all my words like I’ve lost track of time here,

like I’ve lost track of how afraid I should probably be

of feeling this safe-

of feeling this sane-

of how quickly returned anxiety leaves

 

Of forgetting my heart is a rock that bleeds because

I love…

I need…

I want…

I ache…

I feel.

When Morning Came

When morning came I was swept away with it.

Tiny fingers of sunlight dragged me kicking and screaming

I wanted the night.

But the windows stood open and the drapes were pulled back

I was left exposed…

reaching for covers I assumed would be there.

My last lines of defense, fallen.

All I wanted was silence

I who feared being truly alone

longed for the quiet stillness

longed for the comfort of darkness

longed for nothingness but most importantly

silence.

Far too suddenly my reality had changed –

and my love along with it.

There were few I trusted within these walls

but now they too are gone,

slipping away while I slept.

Electricity replaced the razors in my veins

while torment reigned in the wake of betrayal…

I made a single request

yet the sun found it’s way in,

yet it dared to wake me:

reminding me that I dwell among the living

though I am little more than dead.

Strings

An inelegant tangle of limbs and strings
just beneath the hands that let go,
am I a real boy now?

The world is made of ‘I told you so’s
and resolute silence,
and my voice is gone because it was never truly my own,
and my painted smile still hangs in it’s place
though I am out of mine

out of my mind
with nothing but time
on my wooden hands.

And you,
with your condescending offer to give me life,
and your hands still gripping the cross,
wanting me to want –
wanting me to beg –
to be strung up once again.

It’s never enough that I break…
I have to be broken,
and you must put me back together:

One hand will save and
the other will torture.
And I will love and hate them both in equal measure.