“Everything in it’s place”

When do I know I’ve gone too far?
How many more times will I twist
This knife in my chest before
Letting the handle go?

Where will I run next?
Where can I go when my bridges are aflame
And I can hardly see through the smoke?

How…
How will this finally end?
What will they say when it does?
What will I?

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Awake

So this is what falling apart feels like.

My seams are ripped anew

but there’s no blood left to run from these wounds I’m…done.

 

I’m empty.

I hid it and kept the stitches so tight but tonight

my long white grip on control is failing like I do

and I miss you.

 

There.

 

Words I can’t bear to have my heart think but

she’s screaming at me now so I remind myself

to hate you.

 

I look at the frayed threads

The hollow limbs

The shell that’s put away its soul because she hurts too much

And the thought of being proven right isn’t enough to give me quiet.

 

I have to hate you

Or I’ll really begin to feel nothing

And she’ll die when she doesn’t deserve to.

 

Don’t mistake it for blue flamed rage because it isn’t.

I hate with what little is left – there aren’t enough embers to detest

The hatter that shouldn’t have covet

Or the wolf that came as a rabbit promising adventure if I’d only follow:

“Quick little Alice”, quick to the gallows

 

I wish I had lost my head…instead of all the rest.

I wish I, and my tired soul, could forget.

Thoughts from the edge

I want to cloak myself in silence.

I want to be alone in a universe of my own,

To exist with no one –

The first being

Or the last.

 

I think:

Maybe if I tilt my soul so some of the madness leaks into their own atmospheres they will begin to understand,

when their undisturbed galaxies have a few

of my burning planets.

But I attempt to speak and

A tangled mess falls from my lips and we all stare as it hangs there in the air…

What choice exists but to shove it away while I have some dignity left?

 

I beg again and again for silence,

for peace,

for escape,

for time that should be mine yet

 

In the same breath that I wish I no longer had to exist

I must remind myself I don’t have that option.

In the same breath that I wish they could understand

I must understand why they cannot.

 

I sit with my feet stretched over the edge

Further over it than anyone seems to realize,

More in need to control how quickly I will fall than I have ever been.